Thursday, March 14, 2013

The Ex-Factor: Ten Steps to Rekindling the Flame by Karen Rock


You’ve survived a bad break-up. Barely. And even though you’ve rented every Sandra Bullock and Meg Ryan movie you can find, hidden all of your old photos and Valentine’s cards, thrown away his favorite snacks and washed your hands of him… washed him right out of your hair… his memory still lingers. Or maybe it’s his t-shirt in your laundry basket- the one you can’t bring yourself to wash. Either way, you’re wondering if you’ve both made a mistake and you want another shot. You want a do-over and here’s how.
 

1.     Accept. There’s a reason why you are not together now. Emphasis on the NOW. LATER is still up for grabs! Accepting the reality of the situation doesn’t mean you’ve shut him out of your life. If anything, it shows that you accept the need for the change, showing a level of maturity that will be respected and appreciated. Showing yourself in a positive, strong light will help you reach your end goal: Happily-ever-after.

2.    Wait. I know. I know. That’s not what you want to hear. But it’s tough love time. Time heals and you both need a chance to get over the hurt. Calling too soon and begging for another chance will only chase your ex further away. You both need time to gain perspective. To understand what went wrong. Informing yourself of what worked and didn’t work will keep you from making the same mistakes and help make a second chance at love permanent. And- don’t forget- absence makes the heart grow fonder.

3.    Silence. Seriously. Recently I saw a fictional App created by a character on HBO’s Girls. It’s called FORBID and it’s genius. The App forbids you from calling an ex’s number unless you pay ten dollars. I LOVE that idea and I hope an entrepreneur actually invents it. Breaking up is hard enough. Not calling or texting… even harder. No matter how many times you hang up, he will know it’s you. And what are you calling to say? You need him, miss him, want him back… ? You need to look strong, not needy. Mature, not rash. Most of all, you need to behave that way for your own sake. The opinion of you that matters the most, is yours.

4.    Be the One He Loved This time around, there is no question mark. You know you have what it takes for him to fall in love with you. You just need to remind him of that. Think about how you have changed and what might have caused the change. Work on coming back to the person he or she fell for. Once you are that person again, you’ll be irresistible… you were the first time!   

5.    Plan Now that you’ve done the leg work, it’s time to strategize. Where can you meet in a casual, no-pressure way? Is there a coffee shop he frequents, a park he jogs in… you know your ex better than most, so use that knowledge and make yourself visible. It will remind him of what he’s missing. And don’t forget to look stunning!

6.    Prepare Know what you will say when you first talk. These first few words are critical- no pressure J But seriously, steer clear of topics that are bound to stir up past arguments. Instead, focus on the kinds of conversations and topics you used to enjoy. Remind him of that, and he’ll want to keep talking. Lines of communication… restored!

7.    Take Action Now that things are on a friendly level, suggest a casual, no-strings attached, get-together… emphasis on the fun. After weeks or months of feeling low, isn’t it time you laughed and had a good time? Enjoy being together and try not to think about a commitment, the future, or what it means.

8.    Reach Out Send him an occasional, light-hearted email. It will keep you in his mind and establish a connection again in a non-threatening way. Best of all, it will increase the chances that your ex will start reaching out to you in return.

9.    Listen As you begin to spend more time together, invite your ex to talk about how his feelings and why the break-up occurred. Instead of being defensive, learn from what says. You can either win this person back in your life, or win an argument by disagreeing with everything. My vote’s on winning back your partner since an argument won’t give you a back rub.

10. Next Level You’re already good at being a couple. What you weren’t so great at was being apart. Remind him of that by getting romantic again. If he’s receptive, then all systems go.  Some great advice from my friend, Zee Monodee, is to, on the flip side, treat the situation like it’s a “new” romance with a stranger. “That person,” she advised, “is no longer the one you remember knowing.” It’s a great way to begin anew.
 
I would love to hear your stories and thoughts about the dos and don’ts of rekindling an old flame. Please post your comments below and enter to win a copy of New York Times bestselling author, and fellow Harlequin Heartwarming author, Roz Denny Fox’s amazing romance, THE BOSS NEXT DOOR, friendship bracelets, and an autographed bookmark of my upcoming Young Adult romance, CAMP BOYFRIEND, 7/2/13. On the back of the bookmark is a scan mark to download a free eBook of the prequel to the series, CAMP KISS.


 
To learn more about me, and my upcoming Harlequin Heartwarming, WISH ME TOMORROW, and Young Adult novels, please visit www.karenrock.com. I will post the prize winner on my author facebook page www.facebook.com/JKRockwriters tomorrow. Thanks so much J
 
 

48 comments:

  1. Nice advise thank you Karen! I will keep these little advice clips for future reference if needed. But yes I have certainly learned something. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. Hello friends i am very happy for the wonderful work lord masuka whose email is lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com has done for me i got married to my lovely husband last year February and we have a lovely son. things was going well with us and we were living happily, until one day my husband started behaving in a strange manner i could not understand, i was very confused with the way he treats me and my son. later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce that he hate me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was sad and also frustrated i did not know what to do,i was sick for more than a week because of the divorce. i love him so much he his everything to me without him my life is nothing. i told one of my child hood friend and she told me to contact a spell caster that she has listen to one woman who testify about lord masuka and she has been hearing about him that i should try him i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing but i just say i should try if something will come out of it. i contacted him for the return of my husband to me, he told me that my husband have been taken by another woman. that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want to divorce me. then he told me that has to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and my son, he cast the spell and after 1 day my husband came back home and started apologizing he said that he love me so much that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that lord masuka cast on him that make him come back to me,right now am so happy again. thank you lord masuka for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. this is to every one who is facing divorces or heart break by your lover i want you to contact him now because he can do it for you his powers is great and dont have any side effect in the future contact him through his Email: lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com or lordmasukaspellhome711@gmail.com You can visit his website http://lordmasukalovespelltemple.webs.com for more details about him or call him +2347053105287. You can also add him on facebook Harry Masuka or Skype lord masuka. contact him now and your problems will be solve for ever.once again thanks to LORD MASUKA.

      Delete
    2. I want to use this great medium to thank LORD MASUKA for helping me to get my boyfriend back after he dumped me for 3 months .My boyfriend breakup with me because he see another girl at his church and told me he is no longer want me and live me in pain and heart break.I seek for help on the internet and i saw so many good talk about this great spell caster LORD MASUKA of lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com and i contacted him also and explain my problems to him and he cast a love spell for me which i use to get back my boyfriend within the period of 3 days and i am so grateful to him for the good work he has done for me,that is why i also want to let everyone who is in need of help out there to also seek help from him so he can help.His email is lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com or call +2347053105287 or view and contact him on his website:
      http://lordmasukalovespelltemple.webs.com you can contact for any kind of help and he will help you. And you can also reach him on facebook Harry Masuka or Skype Lord masuka

      Delete
  2. Thanks, Desere! I'm so glad you found them helpful :) I appreciate your comments.

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  3. Nice advise! I have been with my Husband 27 years now, I try to keep the sparks flaring and the fire burning hi hi with the help of scenarios. I still learn every day!

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    1. Thanks, Nicole :) I wrote from personal experience and it definitely helped me - congratulations on your 27 year marriage! You two are doing lots right! Thanks so much for posting.

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  4. The best advice is to wait and let things cool o ER. Move too fast and the past will repeat itself! Married four years and this all applies to us too!

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    1. I agree, Heather. Moving too fast without a cooling off period can jeopardize a second chance with the one you love. You're right that the past will only repeat itself. Thanks so much for that great insight :)

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  5. Great advice. I'm not married yet but we are getting married in August. We have been together for almost 9 yrs. We split up two years ago for about 3 months. Somehow, we found our way back to each other. It's a process, I know. We go to our weekly counseling sessions, talk a lot, and are always looking for ways to keep our passion alive.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Congratulations! You are the winner of the giveaway :) Please email me your address information at karenrock@live.com. Thanks!

      Delete
    2. I want to use this great medium to thank LORD MASUKA for helping me to get my boyfriend back after he dumped me for 3 months .My boyfriend breakup with me because he see another girl at his church and told me he is no longer want me and live me in pain and heart break.I seek for help on the internet and i saw so many good talk about this great spell caster LORD MASUKA of lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com and i contacted him also and explain my problems to him and he cast a love spell for me which i use to get back my boyfriend within the period of 3 days and i am so grateful to him for the good work he has done for me,that is why i also want to let everyone who is in need of help out there to also seek help from him so he can help.His email is lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com or call +2347053105287 or view and contact him on his website:
      http://lordmasukalovespelltemple.webs.com you can contact for any kind of help and he will help you. And you can also reach him on facebook Harry Masuka or Skype Lord masuka

      Delete
  6. What a beautiful story! Thank you so much for sharing it and giving so many hope :) It is important to find ways to keep the passion alive and how mature of you both to show your commitment to each other and your relationship by going to counseling! You two have such a wonderful life ahead and congratulations on your upcoming wedding in August! I want pics :)

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    1. I'll be sure to send you pictures! Thanks for this awesome giveaway!

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  7. Karen, Good information. I was married 51 years before I lost my dh to brain cancer. We had a rule that we never went to bed on an argument and it worked to keep us from staying angry over silly little things. I see more of my friends who work anger from a passive/aggressive mode and I think that really hurts a relationship.

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    1. Roz, those sound like 51 beautiful years that should never have been cut short. Your marriage is a model to us all and your advice is wonderful! That passive-aggressive way of dealing with issues is the cleaning equivalent of sweeping the dirt under the rug. You may not see it, but your home still isn't right. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for writing the wonderful book I'm giving away- THE BOSS NEXT DOOR :)

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    2. Just wanted to chime in that- for years- we had a magnet on our fridge that said "Don't go to bed mad... stay up and fight." And sometimes we do! But totally agree that it's good to communicate the little stuff along the way before it becomes BIG stuff.

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    3. I need that magnet! It's such a good reminder not to let grudges linger! Thanks for sharing that, Joanne :)

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  8. LOL, Okay, I confess, in my mind, I'm changing all the category heads for what to do if you had a big fight with your husband.
    Geesh. I've been married too long.

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  9. Lol- that's a really good idea, Pam! I think it could work in those cases too because after a big fight we do go through those stages to come back to love and forgiveness :) Thanks for that great insight!

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  10. Great advise, I'm looking forward to reading this.
    Penney

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    1. Thanks so much, Penney :) I appreciate you stopping by!

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  11. I can't tell you how many times I needed this advice over the years LOL.

    Funny story: my husband broke up with me about two weeks after we started dating. I told him "ok, we'll be friends". And I moved on. Two days later, he told me he didn't want to be friends because there was more between us. Three weeks after that, we were engaged and the rest is history :)

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    1. Syndi that is an amazing story and so romantic :) It goes to show that when it is right everything will fall into place! Thank you for sharing that inspiring love story with us. I appreciate you stopping by :)

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  12. Romancers be warned; if you get back together, you have to keep caution to what broke you up the first time. Try to stay positive, and hope it doesn't come up again. Can you ever forgive, if you can't forget? Will he and/or she hurt you again?

    When rekindling the flame, stay sharp, and avoid ambush.
    ♫ Love is a battlefield. ♪

    Wonderful blog, Mrs. Rock! :D
    -Cody

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    1. Thanks, Cody! I love your advice too :) And Love is a Battlefield is one of my favorite songs. You are so right- it's good to stay positve and realistic about managing expectations about what you can forgive and forget... we have to start that advice column we've been talking about...

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  13. Thankfully my husband and I have been happily married for 26 years. You have some really good advice here. My husband and I always talk things through to avoid negative feelings. We also eat lunch together a few times a week. It's our special time apart from the busy day and has kept us close all these years.

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    1. Lunch with your husband sounds so special and such a great way to keep that intimate connection going. Most of all, you've withstood the test of time and stayed together through a lot and I know that strong communication and love you share has so much to do with that :) Tara, you are amazing and I thank you so much for stopping by. <3

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  14. OMG, you even put my name in there! LOL! :) Thanks, honey.

    Hubby and I are going on 11 years of marriage. Lots of ups and downs, and times when we were both just about to throw in the towel. I thought he was too pig-headed; he thought I was too flippant and too much of a diva.
    Which was true... I mentioned the snippet you posted above because through my own relationship with my husband, I see how much we've both changed since we met. The woman I am today at 30 is no longer the girl he met when she was 18 - even I don't recognize myself when I think back, finding it hard to reconcile who I am now with who I was before.

    I think at some points in a relationship, or even after a breakup, you have to pause and think how you, and the other person too, has changed, and then adapt accordingly.

    People are dynamic beings, and even when you think you've become like an old pair of slippers, comfy and with no surprises, you'd be amazed at how much you can startle yourself with your unconscious capacity to change. :)

    XOXO

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    1. Zee you never cease to amaze me! I loved your advice so much and of course I needed to give credit where credit was due :) I agree that we do change so much and that can be a great thing for a couple :) thank you so much for commenting!

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    2. *grin* Well, glad if my ramblings make sense or even help. :) xoxo

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  15. Hi Karen!

    Love how your posts are like a dating advice column. Interesting and fun!

    xo
    Jen

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  16. Thanks so much, Jennifer :) I kind of think that way when I'm writing... what advice would I give my couple- like if they are friends and want to be more or if they were once a couple and want to find their way back to love... What I have them do in my books helps inform these columns. I appreciate your comment so much!

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  17. kbaby81 congratulations you are the winner of today's giveaway!! Please email me your address info at www.karenrock.com. Looking forward to hearing from you :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oops- I meant please email me at karenrock@live.com. Thanks so much!

      Delete
  18. Great Advice... My Grandma always told me when I got married, "Success to a Good Marriage is Never to go to bed with the last words being Angry ones between ya!"

    My hubby and I have lived together 5 years, in April 2013, we'll be Married 13 years for a total of 18 years TOGETHER and none of those 18 yrs. have we ever went to bed with anger in our hearts, (ya never know about those LAST words spoken)!!

    ~Becky☆.¸¸.•´¯`♥

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  19. My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. I contacted Dr. ZAKI and after I explained my problem, In just 3 days my husband came back to us and show me and my kids much love and apologize for all the pain he have bring to the family. We solved our issues, and we are even happier more than ever before Dr. ZAKI you are the best spell caster. I really appreciate the love spell you cast for me to get the man back to my life i will keep sharing more testimonies to people about your good work. Thank you once again Dr. ZAKI. you can contact him for marriage and relationship problem he will help coz am a living testimony. contact him via email dr.zakispellhome@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  20. Nice blog and absolutely outstanding. You can do something much better but i still say this perfect.Keep trying for the best.
    brad browning

    ReplyDelete
  21. Today has being the most happiest day of my life after 1 year of sadness and sorrow without being with the one i love, i tried all my possible best to make sure i make my lover happy but it never seems to work out well it was like am doing everything in vain but all thanks to Lord Alika for coming to change all my worries and sadness to Joy. i knew the great man when i read some wonderful reviews about Lord Alika how he has helped a lots of people on there relationship problem i was reading a magazine which then i saw great testimonies as well which then i decided not to waste time.he told me not to worry that he assures me that within 48 hours everything would be sorted out i believed Lord Alika so much because i believe he can't fail me and i sent him all my details. Truly Lord Alika never failed me,my husband who left me for good a year come back to me. My husband and i have been living contentedly since this spell caster reunited us together with his love spells. Thank you so so so much Lord Alika for your powerful spells. expressions are not sufficient to say thank you. here is his email address lordalikaspelltemple@yahoo.co.uk or http://lordalikaspelltemp8.wix.com/http call him +2348072718865

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hello friends i am very happy for the wonderful work lord masuka whose email is lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com has done for me i got married to my lovely husband last year February and we have a lovely son. things was going well with us and we were living happily, until one day my husband started behaving in a strange manner i could not understand, i was very confused with the way he treats me and my son. later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce that he hate me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was sad and also frustrated i did not know what to do,i was sick for more than a week because of the divorce. i love him so much he his everything to me without him my life is nothing. i told one of my child hood friend and she told me to contact a spell caster that she has listen to one woman who testify about lord masuka and she has been hearing about him that i should try him i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing but i just say i should try if something will come out of it. i contacted him for the return of my husband to me, he told me that my husband have been taken by another woman. that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want to divorce me. then he told me that has to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and my son, he cast the spell and after 1 day my husband came back home and started apologizing he said that he love me so much that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that lord masuka cast on him that make him come back to me,right now am so happy again. thank you lord masuka for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. this is to every one who is facing divorces or heart break by your lover i want you to contact him now because he can do it for you his powers is great and dont have any side effect in the future contact him through his Email: lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com or lordmasukaspellhome711@gmail.com You can visit his website http://lordmasukalovespelltemple.webs.com for more details about him or call him +2347053105287. You can also add him on facebook Harry Masuka or Skype lord masuka. contact him now and your problems will be solve for ever.once again thanks to LORD MASUKA.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  24. I want to use this great medium to thank LORD MASUKA for helping me to get my boyfriend back after he dumped me for 3 months .My boyfriend breakup with me because he see another girl at his church and told me he is no longer want me and live me in pain and heart break.I seek for help on the internet and i saw so many good talk about this great spell caster LORD MASUKA of lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com and i contacted him also and explain my problems to him and he cast a love spell for me which i use to get back my boyfriend within the period of 3 days and i am so grateful to him for the good work he has done for me,that is why i also want to let everyone who is in need of help out there to also seek help from him so he can help.His email is lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com or call +2347053105287 or view and contact him on his website:
    http://lordmasukalovespelltemple.webs.com you can contact for any kind of help and he will help you. And you can also reach him on facebook Harry Masuka or Skype Lord masuka

    ReplyDelete
  25. I want to use this great medium to thank LORD MASUKA for helping me to get my boyfriend back after he dumped me for 3 months .My boyfriend breakup with me because he see another girl at his church and told me he is no longer want me and live me in pain and heart break.I seek for help on the internet and i saw so many good talk about this great spell caster LORD MASUKA of lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com and i contacted him also and explain my problems to him and he cast a love spell for me which i use to get back my boyfriend within the period of 3 days and i am so grateful to him for the good work he has done for me,that is why i also want to let everyone who is in need of help out there to also seek help from him so he can help.His email is lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com or call +2347053105287 or view and contact him on his website:
    http://lordmasukalovespelltemple.webs.com you can contact for any kind of help and he will help you. And you can also reach him on facebook Harry Masuka or Skype Lord masuka

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hello, I'm here to introduce someone to you all, his name is Dr.Ekpen Temple a spell caster that help me restored my broken relationship, I saw an article on the Internet someone talking about him how he help her in her relationship, today I'm a beneficial of that article, so that is why I'm also talking about how he has helped me so that someone out there that is facing the same challenge can also contact him for help. Here is DR EKPEN TEMPLE contact info: ekpentemple@gmail.com or on Whatsapp number +2347050270218.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Today has being the most happiest day of my life after 1 year of sadness and sorrow without being with the one i love, i tried all my possible best to make sure i make my lover happy but it never seems to work out well it was like am doing everything in vain but all thanks to Dr Ogudugu for coming to change all my worries and sadness to Joy. I knew the great man when i read some wonderful reviews about Him how he has helped a lots of people on there relationship problem i was reading a magazine which then i saw great testimonies as well which then i decided not to waste time. He told me not to worry that he assures me that within 48 hours everything would be sorted out i believed Dr Ogudugu so much because i believe he can't fail me and i sent him all my details. Truly Lord Alika never failed me,my husband who left me for good a year come back to me. My husband and i have been living contentedly since this spell caster reunited us together with his love spells. Thank you so so so much Dr Ogudugu for your powerful spells. Expressions are not sufficient to say thank you, here is his email address GREATOGUDUGU@GMAIL.COM he can be of help to you on any problem like
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  28. Hear this interesting TV interview on Youtube with Michael Fiore and 
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    ►►► your ex back
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    ReplyDelete
  29. DR. TRUST WEBSITE FOR REALLY LOVE SPELLS: https://ultimatespellcast3.wixsite.com/dr-trust

    Seriously i was flattened when my Husband of 8 years left to be with another woman in Texas. I cried and sobbed every day, until it got so bad that I couldn't bear it anymore. and i reached out to the Internet for help, until i hit on the real thing, and that is you Dr. Trust. I almost gave up trying to get my Ex Husband back and having a contented family again.. I had tried the whole lot I knew, and with your spells, blessings and extraordinary magical powers, you did all the work, and immediately after 48 hours, my Ex Husband came back to me and he was penitent for everything that he has done. And now my life is balanced and i am happy again. Dr. Trust you do a great service to people, and I don't think many people had known about you. You are the diamond in the rough. Thank you Dr. Trust You are talented and you give off yourself so freely like you did to me. Thank you for weaving your magical love spells for me and Sergio. He is back to me just the way it was when we first met.. from the depths of my soul! I am immensely happy now. Thank you and God bless you so much sir. Now my man is back to me just in 48 hours, as you have said it..wow.. i am fully rewarded. Thank you so much sir, Lots of appreciations.. Here is Dr. Trust Website: website: https://ultimatespellcast3.wixsite.com/dr-trust and his Email: Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or Ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com call +2348156885231

    ReplyDelete
  30. After one year my husband left home, Dr Aven returned him back to me i'm so happy that he is back because he mean a lot to me and my family i just want to say thank you Dr Aven for your help and time to restored my broken marriage and bring back happiness into my life, anyone out there need speedy help can also contact Dr Aven via email dr.avensolutioncentre@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete