Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Can't we use our powers for good, people??



I had no idea my ports were clogged. Really, there were no symptoms at all until everything went black. Allow me to explain.
Picture me, sitting meek and mild in my office chair, banging out the next heart wrenching work of fiction. Picture Adolph Finklestein (this might not be his real name) sitting in a dark basement in New Jersey, concocting a diabolical computer virus to send to my unsuspecting computer. (New Jersey might be arbitrary too, but I’ve been there. It would be a swell place for a cyber villain to hang out.)
So with the click of a key, Adolph whips me a computer virus that delivers hordes of persistent little Trojans that try to convince me my computer is under attack.
Your system is being scanned!
There’s a rogue program raping and pillaging your gigabites!
Danger, Will Robinson, danger!
Not to worry, dear readers. I am saavy. I have read about these evil attacks. I smell the ratty Finklestein and I most definitely click the “x” to decline Finklestein’s suggestion that I purchase his ferocious platoon of cyber soliders to protect my tender vitals. Clever, no? I can sit back in my chair uninfected by the nefarious virus propagator gnashing his teeth in his New Jersey basement.
Ha! Take that!
 Here is where our story takes a turn to the tragic. Unfortunately, Finklestein being the diabolical hacker that he is, has created a program whereby clicking the “no thank you” x actually translates to “Absolutely! Mi computer is su computer.”  Finklestein immediately commences the port clogging procedures.
 Fast forward two hundred dollars and twenty four hours later. Professional computer helpers at Web Dispatch, all wearing white hats and a few, I believe, mounted on snowy horses, have restored order, unclogged my ports and weeded out Finkelstein’s devious buggers.  
The ending of the story is mixed. Finklestein is vanquished, but only temporarily, I’m certain. He’s no doubt rolled up his flannel sleeves and set to work on the next round of attacks, leaving me to shake my head in wonder.
 Why? Oh Finklestein. Why can’t you use your powers for good? With skills like that can’t you turn away from the dark side and work on something productive? Curing cancer? Fixing global warming? Inventing a biodegradable diaper?
Surely you can see some other way to impact the world, Mr. Finklestein?
Or perhaps your ports are clogged, too. 

Have you ever experienced such villainy? Please  tell me I'm not the only one!

15 comments:

  1. Dana,
    Are you sure you're not supposed to be writing humor? I'm laughing so hard it hurts.

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    1. Well...my July Heartwarming is funny, at least I think it is! :)

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  2. Oh, Dana! I am so sorry! Yes, I too have been 'Finkelsteined.' My last laptop never seemed to recover. But don't worry--this won't happen to yours. Mine was really old and well-loved, and now it lives on a computer farm in the country with other 'retired' computers (:

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    1. Don't you wonder why people who are smart enough to hack computers can't find something better to do? I mean, there's cancer to be cured and a better mousetrap to build. Sheesh.

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  3. Dana, that was hilarious! Pamela's right - you should be doing stand-up, or something. Actually, something very similar did just happen to me about a month ago. Nothing worked, pop-ups took over everything, music played without warning. I don't know Web Dispatch, but in Astoria, the man on the white horse is Leo Finze - and for only 39.99. He fixed everything and shored up my security. The only problem was that whatever he cleaned it out with also eliminated plug-ins that allowed me access to important stuff. So I spent a couple of hours on the phone with our server to reconnect those. But old Lucinda the Laptop now works beautifully. (I'm not so good, but she's great!) Thank you for the laugh, Dana.

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    1. Glad Lucinda made a full recovery, Muriel!

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  4. Great post, Dana! Now I picture all evildoers operating from basements in New Jersey. Also, all technical support riding in on snowy steeds. I hate that you met Leo, but thanks for turning it into a laugh. I needed it!

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  5. I know a teenager that can hack into any account any computer and he brags about it! We tell him to use his skills for good but he's too immature to appreciate anything but the power and control he lacks as a minor. Argh!

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  6. You made us laugh, but I'm sure it was far from funny to you. That's terrible that now we have to worry about the quarantine not working. I so agree that these hackers need to find something productive to do with their lives. Unfortunately your agony is their prime time comedy hour.

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  7. Easy money. That's all they're in it for. Why work hard when you can create a virus that latches on to other people's computers and steals all their passwords so you can steal their hard-earned money? There are as many smart criminals as there are dumb ones. It is a shame, though! Sorry you had to go through all that!!

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    1. Ah well. It was a learning experience, Amy!

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  8. You're so funny, Dana! You made me smile over a virus, which of course isn't funny lol. I feel for you. I've had a computer destroyed by one and the time suck trying to fix it, to no avail, was horrendous. Oh, and the stress!

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