Friday, August 29, 2014

August Hilarity by Muriel Jensen



Good Morning all Heartwarming Heads!  

August began as a trying month for me.  The funeral of a very dear, long-time friend, followed by a colonoscopy, then a ginormous revision.  There weren't a lot of laughs around here.
Then they started coming.

First, as I was waking up from the colonoscopy, the doctor leaned over me and said, "You have the colon of a twenty-year old!" Yahoo.  But that's hard to brag about, or so I thought.  My friend's daughter had a t-shirt made for me.

Second, the dog needed a bath.  We have an old claw and ball bathtub.  If you haven't seen one, the sides are taller than the average tub, and the base is a little narrower.  The dog is 92 pounds and Ron can no longer help me lift her into it.  Enter a new pet store in Astoria that also offers do-it-yourself dog bathing facilities.  I thought it was the answer.

Each unit is set up like a raised stall with running water, a very short leash attachment, and floor boards that allow the water to run through.  There's also a sort of hose/shower head thing, only mine didn't work exactly right, the clerk said - it didn't shut off.

There are three steps up into the stall and Cheyenne, who is a little neurotic anyway, refused to climb.  The clerk took the leash from me, thinking she could do it.  No luck.  She told me she didn't think this would work for us after all.  I said, "I have one more thought.  If I climb up, she'll follow me."  I did. She did.  But she was very frightened.  I sat on the floorboards to explain it all to her and while I was talking, I hooked up the small leash attachment, and took her leash off.  The clerk was exultant.  "I'll go turn the water on," she said, running to the back.  Meanwhile, realizing I was about to leave her, Cheyenne took me down and stood on top of me whining, the malfunctioning shower head thingie right beside me.  I heard water go on, the dog wouldn't get off, and I was pinned to the floorboards, one Skecher-clad foot in the air, arms flailing, dog howling.

The clerk brought me a rubber apron a little too late, and helped me out of the stall.  Once Cheyenne realized what was happening, she gave herself over to the experience, practically raising an 'arm' so I could shoot the area with water, turning this way and that for optimum effect.  I'm sure if she had language, she'd have sung "O, Sole Mio." 

Across the room were two blow driers, but they were being used by two Prom Queenish Collies who looked at Cheyenne disdainfully as their beautiful honey and white coats rippled like wheat fields in a wind. Fortunately, I had brought a couple of bath towels in my backpack, and she enjoyed the rub-down.

Third, Our neighbors Barb and Steve, and Ron and I have a lot of friends in common who live in the neighboring town.  We were invited to a birthday party there and Steve offered to drive.  He has a Volkswagen beetle.  A wonderful car - unless you're trying to put a walker in it.  The walker folds, but along the width, not the length.  It wouldn't fit in the trunk, so Barbara and I sat in the back with the walker on our laps. She has such a cheerful disposition, she makes me look like Pagliacci (I know, I'm in operatic mode.)  She talked away about how fun it was to ride together, how wonderful it was going to be to see everyone, all the great things she was going to do the last two weeks of summer - and all the while she talked, she was looking at me through the walker's handles, and I was answering her through the wheels.  We laughed a lot.

Fourth, we have a new independent ice cream truck running through the neighborhood.  It's a pale blue, fairly old station wagon with pictures of the products taped to the side.  I heard his musical arrival the other day and ran out with a fistful of ones to see what I could buy.  The proprietor, a very pleasant man with a buzz cut, gave my order to a helper in the back, who pulled things out of a big white freezer.  "All juice bars are on sale for a dollar," he said with real enthusiasm.  "I have to go back to the shop and restock for tomorrow 'cause we're doing a tattoo convention."  (Maybe you had to be there, but doesn't it strike you funny to think about the little blue station wagon filled with ice cream at a tattoo convention?)

So, thanks to the Funny Fates, I'm going to make it to September. Please share with us what the FFs have done for you. 

26 comments:


  1. Muriel!
    What are you doing with my colon? Me, I have the colon of a 68 year old. Arg.
    Yesterday I watched a YouTube video called dogs that sit on cats. Now, I'm thinking I need to find the YouTube video of dogs that sit on Muriel.
    Truly, you are Erma Bombeck in disguise.

    BTW, the 20 year old colon is saying, "Who's Erma Bombeck?"

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    1. Ha, ha, ha! Her riotous humor lives with me still. Remember the one about wearing corduroy pants? Have a great day, Pam - aged colon and all!

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  2. Alas, I have Pamela's colon. I'm with her, though--I think a video of you and Cheyenne in the "tub" would have gone viral on YouTube.

    My FF moment for August was walking into the Depot that is our town's "little theatre" and tripping over a curb and falling flat. I've never gotten so much attention in my life--or wanted it less. All was well, though, and when we went back a few weeks later, one of the women there said, "Liz, look, we moved the curb just for you!" They hadn't, of course, but she got a good (and deserved) laugh.

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    1. Oh, Liz. I've 'splatted' enough times to feel your pain. Funny about moving the curb. Glad you didn't hurt yourself, though. Happy Weekend.

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  3. Thanks for the laugh! A great way tot start the day. I especially liked the part about you and your friend talking through the walker handles. Hmm...sounds like a good scene for a book.

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    1. You're right, Tara. I have seniors in this revision I'm doing. Have a wonderful day.

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  4. It's such a blessing to be able to see the humor in life! Thanks, Muriel!

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  5. Happy Friday and happy end of August. Muriel, I see scenes in several more books with all of your interesting August events. Yay on your colon news. What a doc! And you must have a 20 year old body to be able to get into the backseat of a VW Beetle with a walker no less. I hope September brings you many more fun experiences. I have to say I expected you to say that you and Cheyenne both used the blow dryers. That would have been another funny scene.

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    1. You all have such good ideas! Getting into the Beetle was one thing, getting out, quite another. Why hasn't anyone though to make a Beetle sedan? Enjoy the Labor Day weekend!

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  6. Muriel, your blog was the highlight of my August! And I can't come close to your FF.

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  7. Thanks, Patricia! Maybe they'll work for you in September. Happy weekend.

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  8. As usual, your post is wonderful! Thank you for the laugh this morning:) xo

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  9. You're welcome. Have a fun weekend, Jen.

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  10. Muriel that was so funy. You are always so good at seeing the funny side of life and making everyone feel better.keep on smiling

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    1. Thanks, Eleanor! It's worked for me for a long time. Happy Weekend.

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  11. Muriel, thank you for this! I had a rough morning and didn't have time to comment. So I'm looking at this now and laughing.... You are so funny. Sometimes I feel like my whole life is an FF moment. Happy Holiday Weekend!

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    1. All right, Carol! Good thing we're writers - everything is story material. Sorry about the rough morning, though. Hope you have a good weekend.

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  12. Muriel. I loved it. You created a wonderful picture full of laughter.

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    1. Funny things happen to me all the time. My husband, who is wonderful but soberly Scandinavian, just shakes his head. He doesn't mind laughing along, though. Happy weekend.

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  13. Oh Muriel! I need you to come to New York next year for Nationals because we need to hang out. You and your dog story had me in stitches and picturing you in the back of a Beetle with a walker on your lap - priceless! You have a wonderful sense of humor and glad it serves you well :)

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  14. Hi, Amy! I'm guessing I won't make New York, but San Diego might be possible. So want to hang out with all of you. Meanwhile, keep smiling! Happy weekend.

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  15. Muriel, the image you painted of you with Cheyenne in the doggie shower had me laughing out loud! Oh, man, what an experience LOL. I hope all the laughs continue into September for you :).

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  16. Muriel, I love your stories! My own recent FF colonoscopy moment came when, while in the room being hooked up to various things, the piped-in music started to play "Hooked On A Feeling." The doctor, two nurses and I sang along to the first verse, "I can't stop this feeling, deep inside of me, girl, you just don't realize what you do to me," and the chorus before they knocked me out. My old colon thought it was hilarious.

    Kristine Rolofson (who can't sign in on this site as anything but anonymous! :( )

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    1. p.s. Yay! It finally worked with my name!

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  17. Muriel, I've just read your post today and I needed it! You have such a way of painting the picture that Cheyenne's bath was just too funny. My dog's defense is to go limp noodle and shoot shaming glances my way for the two minutes it takes us both to get enough of the bath. He sneers at my towels and sprays his disgust in a shower of droplets all over the house. Then he gets a treat and life goes on very happily! On the first day of September, I'm hoping for lots of laughs this month.

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