Monday, May 4, 2015

Let's Talk Poop by Melinda Curtis

I admit, poop isn't a topic I would most likely pick as a blog post. It might almost be politically incorrect! But I say NO! Poop is a relevant topic, especially for women, especially for dog owners!

That's right. Women - MOMS - must deal with poopy diapers when raising their young. There are full ones and leaks and explosions! And why do explosions always happen when you're out in public? And then a child's poopiness is used as a bargaining chip with a woman's significant other ("I changed the last one," "I'll take out the trash if you change that one."). Poop-poop-poop.

I thought I'd be over it by now. I'm an empty nester. What I didn't count on were the dogs. I've got no child to pick up the backyard so it can be mowed (OK, I don't have a labor force to mow the lawn either, not anymore). And now I'm in the age of walking for my health. Guess who walks with me? That's right. The dogs. All in an age when it's polite to pick up your dog's poop in a pretty little bag. Poop-poop-poop.

Some of you may have heard my tale of woe when my large Labrador had a public anxiety attack at a time when I had purchased a new brand of doggy bags - which, like everything else in this world, are becoming smaller. There was an accident this day. A nuclear-sized accident. At the park. With witnesses. I tried my best to get it all, but one bag was not enough and two dogs were not patient and - oh, lordy-lordy - I had to make a run for the lake, scattering ducks and geese in my wake (because it was the nearest water source). I plunged my hand in the lake water, gave it a cleansing shake and my ring finger was immediately swallowed by a carp!

I stepped back. The dogs stepped back. The carp hung onto my finger.

Oh, the heebie-jeebies!!!!

I did not bring home a carp that day. But I do know the best bait to use when trying to hook one.

Readers who are brave enough to share their poopy stories (child or dog) will be in the running to win a free ebook from my backlist. Are my fellow Heartwarming authors brave enough to share their own tales of woe? I have opened the door, and I fear our Heartwarming blog will never be the same.

Melinda Curtis is a USA Today bestselling author who often finds humor in everyday life. Her latest Heartwarming release is One Perfect Year, Book 4 in the Harmony Valley series (which features a very large St. Bernard).

46 comments:

  1. LOL. I've pretty much blocked all the poop stories in my life, but it's definitely something we all have!

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    1. Ah, Liz. Having been of the sandwich generation, this blog post could have gone in many directions

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  2. Mel, I'm sure few poop stories can rival yours. I must admit I laughed, and you were probably not laughing at all. I worked 10 years for 3 pediatricians, so I've definitely had all the poop in my life that I want. I love slobbery St. Bernards, so looking forward to your story.

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    1. Roz, you have my respect if you worked 10 years in a pediatrician's office!

      But did you mention drool? Now there's a blog topic for you.
      M

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  3. Fortunately, poop never bothered me, either from the kids or our dogs. Very cute story, Mel. I can definitely relate.

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    1. Oh, Marion. I was once on a red-eye with my 6 month old and...no one was happy with me (I trace back all my poop misfortunes to that one event)

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  4. LOL!! Oh, Mel. You win the Most Creative Topic for a Blog Post Award. The carp story was the perfect start to what I hope will be a not-so-poopy week. ;) As a pug mom, I can totally relate to dog-poop escapades. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Cerella, I wish I had made the story up. I still get the heebie-jeebies!

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  5. Oh, how awful!! When my daughter was a newborn, we had a Baby Bjorn that you could carry/wear the baby. We decided to take to the hiking trails at a local park, and my husband "wore" our daughter on his chest in the carrier. Well, if you're not familiar, the baby's weight is pretty much concentrated at his/her crotch when in the carrier. Let's just say the middle of the woods is not the place for an poop accident in the Baby Bjorn--it was all forced out through the leg holes of her onesie. My poor husband!! I think the only thing that would've helped us clean up that mess was a garden hose!!

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  6. Christy!!! I'm betting you were breast-feeding at the time, too! (really, I should have a filter) Poopy pants are a true test of a marriage.

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  7. Mel, you're such a trailblazer! I wonder what the carp thought you were? My youngest was four years old when we got our kids, so I never had to deal with diapers. But we've had many, many dogs. All our neighbors save us their plastic bags from the supermarket and we go through them like the proverbial s - - - through a goose. (seemed appropriate) I always have a wet wipe in my pocket for those times when the three bags I carry aren't enough and I try to stuff a deposit into a bag that already has one in it. That seldom ends well. What fun for a Monday morning!

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    1. Yes, Muriel, I can remember "back in the day" when we didn't pick up doggy droppings. Now I have doggy bags in both vehicles, the garage, my pockets...sigh

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  8. Oh my you don't want to hear my stories. Iam a nurse, we call it a code brown alert!

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    1. Oh, Shari! I'll have to listen for that next time I'm in the hospital!

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  9. I'm a dog mama so I definitely know about cleaning poop. In fact I have 2 dogs so cleaning poop is as frequent as breathing. Haha. One of my dogs, a miniature schnauzer, poop a lot since he was a puppy. He could poop as much as 8-10 times a day.

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    1. OMG, Winnie! This is so very wrong! LOL! My vet recommended we add a little cottage cheese to our old Lab's diet because he gets anxious and nothing seems to digest properly. It's helped to reduce the daily # of gifts he gives me.

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  10. Ah, yes, poop. As I tell my family, I am firmly anti-poop, so I make everyone else clean it up. Which isn't working out for me so well right now since our dog has little control over when and where he poops. :( Even when my kids were babies, hubby did most of the poop. One time, my daughter painted her bedroom walls with it. I closed the door and left it for hubby to deal with when he got home. :)

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  11. My Dad and uncle were babysitting my cousin. He was in his crib for a nap, while the ladies were shopping. When they went in to get him they found a mess! He has pooped, loosely, his diapers, removed said diapers and proceeded to cover the crib, walls, sheets, and last but not least himself from head to toe with poop. He was very proud of his artwork. The dad's, not so much, I won't even begin to repeat the words they used...lol. needless to say it was a mess to clean up...

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  12. Melinda, I hate to be laughing at your expense, but . . .

    Very funny story. Thank you for sharing it!

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    1. I have never washed my hands so often in one day...

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  13. I admit I had to smile a bit reading this post, poop is one of thsoe topics you never see a blog post about, but I think many people can relate and have a poop story to tell. I don't have kids, but I do have pet rats.
    My worst poop story involves our pet rats. I decided to do a quikc cleanign one week as I was really busy and didn't want to do a full cleaning which costs about 4 hours. But the rats didn't agree with me. So two days after the quick clenaing the cage smelled really bad and armed with some tissues I tried to find the source. I found poop on one of the plateaus and scooped it up. It fell on the floor and I couldn't find it, so I assumed I would fix that later and picked up a chair and more tissues to clean up the mess in the cage. And ofcourseI accidently stepped on the poop that had fallen on the floor and then stepped on my pant leg and on the chair until I noticed. Then I threw my pair of trousers in the laundry with my mobile phone still in my pocket and also destroyed my phone in the process. Yeah I wasn't happy that day, but it is kinda fun when looking back now.

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    1. Eeek! Lola, you did not step and step and step. And then you experienced my worst fear - throwing the cell in the washer. Man.

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    2. Lola, you are the winner! You've won a free book of your choice from my backlist (which you can find at www.MelindaCurtis.net). Then let me know at Melinda AT MelindaCurtis DOT net (not .com) Congratulations!!!

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    3. Thanks so much! I'll stop by your website to choose a book and then e-mail you. Thanks again for the giveaway :)

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  14. A crap-loving carp. You can't make that stuff up! I, like someone else said, have blocked out all poop memories. It's the only reason I allowed another dog in the house!

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    1. Ah, Amy, but you have more than one child, no?

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  15. We once had a neighbor who didn't pick up after his dog--all winter long. That spring my son scooped it all up in a big trash bag and left it on the guy's porch. Ah, revenge. Loved your story, Mel. Does another appear in your St. Bernard book? We once had a Great Pyrenees. There's no bag big enough!

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    1. Somehow, Leigh, I don't think they'd let me share a poopy story on the pages of a Heartwarming book! Your son showed great restraint in bagging it all up. Mine might have just pitched it over on a daily basis

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  16. I laughed out loud and I don't do that often. Thank you! No poop stories...unless you count the time I was in the show ring with my horse and the judge walked behind him just as...

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    1. Yikes! This reminds me of that Game of Thrones episode where Tywin rode his horse into the throne room and it did its business on the way in.

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  17. This made me laugh out loud! I've never had to clean my poop hand in a lake, but our children could blow out a diaper like no one's business. It always seemed to happen right before we were leaving the house and of course already running late.

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    1. Glad I could make you laugh, Lori! And it's true. Those exploding diapers never happened while at home relaxing

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  18. Lol.....I think I remember your post about that eventful day. Am I the only one who had to look up what a carp is? I'm laughing at the picture of Tally. Her face always makes me laugh. We have a cat so no real interesting poop stories. Kit-Kat is very boojie though. If he poops in his litter box and jumps out without covering it, he won't dare enter it again until it's thoroughly cleaned. Mind you we clean his litter box 2-3 times a day so it's just about always clean. When he was a kitten he used to play with his poop. How dumb was that? Now that he's almost 15, he must cringe at the thought. You're hilarious Melinda Curtis!!

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    1. Laurie, I have never seen a cat playing with it's poop! (and I've seen a lot of YouTube cat videos)

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  19. Oh my I have so many animal poop stories it's not funny. I'll share the most recent one which happened talking my 7 month old Chow Pit Bull mix to the Vet to get spayed this morning. Avery Rose was the most behaved I've ever saw any of my fur babies be while riding in the car. She just calmly laid on my lap the entire time. We get to the Vet & she wasn't too happy that she was having to stay without me. We go back to the car to leave. As soon as we open the doors, Mom & I both say do you smell poop? I look & there on the back seat on Avon books (I'm a Avon Rep.) is a pile Avery left us. No idea how we missed that happening on the car ride this morning when she was sitting on my lap. lol Hopefully her trip home tomorrow will not be a repeat.

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    1. Wow, talk about silent (and not whiffy) but deadly. Sorry about your books

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  20. As a new RN, 10yrs ago, I was tasked with something I didn't know how to do. I worked nights--3 12hr shifts. I had repeatedly asked the day RN to get "relief" for a patient that was headed towards empaction since the doctors frowned upon paging them at night for poop issues. The day RN didn't do it, so it was up to me...I had a RN who offered to show me what to do. Since the patient was large & elderly, 3 techs and 2 RNs were my helpers. The techs were holding the patient up on one side & the RNs were at her back. The first RN showed me what to do through demonstration. When she went to remove her gloves, she snapped the first glove....it was like a slo-mo water sprinkler spraying each of the techs across the room! Their clothes were sprayed with poop, I was gagging & trying not to laugh, and our newly pregnant tech was passed out! All of this and the patient saying, "get out of there, you're not supposed to be back there"!!! Too funny for words!

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  21. As always, a fun post! Here's a toast to all the poop cleaner-uppers of the world! Here's hoping there's no poop in your world on this sunny Tuesday! (Well, sunny INSIDE, anyway!)

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  22. I was at the pediatrician's with my 10 day old baby. Wearing my favorite maternity top which had 2 big pockets. She pooped right in the pocket. I can't remember how she managed it, leaky diaper, or diaper off for the examination, but I do remember I had to wear that top all the way home!

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  23. My daughter stopped visiting her father (out of state) because she always got poop cleanup duty when there

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  24. What a subject that you have to deal with so much as a mom. No wonder people are so happy for you when you have a baby because they know what you will be facing; poopy diapers, potting training, and pets. This doesn't even cover illness such as diarrhea , vomit and then when you get sick is bad enough but your husband getting sick the world comes to an end. After four boys, 3 cats, 1 dog and a hermit crab I'm good. Jenny

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