Wednesday, September 14, 2016

The Best Worst Book Pitches by Carol Ross and Amy Vastine

We're putting together some proposals for Heartwarming and we're all out of ideas. When the creative juices aren't flowing, sometimes you have to do something crazy to kickstart your brain. Trust us, we know there is nothing worse than the pressure of coming up with an amazing idea and selling it in fifty words or less. How can we possibly think up another perfect hero with the perfect job and another sassy or sweet heroine with the ultimate high stakes conflict?

Well, we decided to do the exact opposite. What would make Victoria Curran, Senior Editor of Heartwarming and Super Romance, question our sanity? These pitches might do it.

Let's see what you think. First up, we have this doozy from Carol ...

Title:
My Sweet Honey Bucket

The pitch:

CEO heroine on a camping trip gets trapped inside a portable outhouse when the rusty latch breaks off and she can’t get the door open! The scents of urine cake and pine needles fill the air. One hand over her mouth, she reaches for her cell phone with the other. Oops! In the toilet. Panicked, she fashions a torch out of toilet paper and a stick she’d brought with her to fend off wild critters. She lights it with the matches in her pocket (she had to have a campfire) and holds it against the vent.  Smoke signal ensues, alerting Dirk Saniman that trouble is afoot. He rushes to the scene and finds love in the honey bucket. 

Oh boy, we smell a winner! Actually, we think this proposal would end up in Victoria's port-a-potty. 

Next up, Amy's idea ...


Title:
A Man and Pedi

The pitch:
Richard Piedmont loves feet. His job as pedicurist at Salon Bliss nail salon allows him to spend his eight-hour work day making every foot that comes his way pretty and smooth ... until he meets Callie Ardous. He's never met a callous he couldn't soften, but Callie's job as a fire-walker has made her tootsies a little tough. His dedication to his work could get her burned. But his care and attention could set her heart on fire. 

Victoria would definitely take a match to this one!

Carol's got one more ...
Title:
One Pesky Love Affair

The pitch:
Trusting her real estate agent brother-in-law, interior decorator heroine has purchased her dream house sight unseen, intending to turn it into the showpiece for her new business. Only problem is the place is infested with bugs; cockroaches, termites, bed bugs, moths, you name it, this house has got it! Enter Sam Raid, exterminator extraordinaire. Sam’s got it all, respirator (that makes him look a lot like the insects he’s trying to kill), flaming-red jumpsuit, tall rubber boots, latex gloves. What woman could resist a backpack filled with dangerous chemicals and the tantalizing scent of toxic fumes that lingers long after he’s departed?

Carol's all about assaulting our sense of smell. Victoria might actually print this out ... to use the paper to kill some spiders!

Last but not least ...


Title:
At Your Service

The pitch:
Ella Diamond is an jeweler who's been hired to create the engagement ring for the world's most eligible bachelor so he can shed his title. A trip to the local car wash leads to her worst nightmare. Tito Samson is immediately drawn to the gorgeous customer with the cherry-red Mustang convertible, but when he accidentally vacuums up the diamond she's supposed to set in some famous guy's ring, he has to go on a wild goose chase to find that stone. If he can save the day, he might just win something more precious than a diamond -- Ella's heart.

Something tells us that Victoria would happily vacuum up all the words in this pitch.

Writing a pitch and putting together the perfect proposal is never easy (at least not for us). But with this little exercise in silliness, we've assured ourselves that no matter what we send in, it can't possibly be the worst we've ever written!!

37 comments:

  1. Since I'm an early riser, I am usually one of the first people to comment, but I've been sitting here wondering just how to get the ball rolling for this post!!

    Suffice to say, you ladies get top prize (if not a contract) for creativity.

    Thank you for the early morning chuckle!

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    1. I'm glad we could start your day off on the right foot!

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  2. Er...yes. I'm often here right after Kate, and I'm here for you guys. Really. But...

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    1. Sometimes you gotta get the crazy out so the good stuff will rise to the surface!

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  3. You two are hysterical! And right on the mark. Those darned proposals get tougher all the time! Good luck coming up with ideas Victoria will actually approve.

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    1. Thank you, Tara! You never know what you might come up with during some brainstorming, right?

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    2. Victoria emailed me and said she couldn't get her comment to post - here's what she said:
      Re: My Sweet Honey Bucket... How did you guys know about my experience with the outhouse in Bragg Creek, Alberta, after the Calgary Writers Conference I was at last month? (Except I didn't see a vent... This one was designed to kill you if you got locked in. AND you forgot the two maggots, er, baby flies.) Thank God for Dirk Sanimans.

      Looks like Carol is the big winner today!!

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  4. Oh my gosh, this is hilarious! I'll admit, A Man and Pedi kind of creeped me out a little. :) Great post, ladies!

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    1. Thanks, Jill! I think my favorite part of Amy's soon to be new release Man and Pedi is the fire-walking heroine. I can't wait to read more about her!

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  5. A delightful way to start the day. Thank you.

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    1. So glad you enjoyed it, Marion. We had a lot of fun coming up with these. And like I mentioned earlier, sometimes the silly stuff gives way to the best ideas.

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  6. We all need a laugh in the morning and you ladies hit it out of the park today. I'm actually impressed that you both can write such short, succinct proposals. I drone on and on in mine. I agree that each time gets more difficult. I keep saying I wrote all of the easy ideas out of my feeble mind, and now have to dig, dig into well, whatever is under feeble.

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    1. Oh Roz, I wish. Only the silly stuff comes that easy to me. I overthink the real ones.

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  7. Ha, ha,ha! I know those were done for laughs, but they do show what nimble brains you both have. Got my day off to a great start! Thank you!

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    1. Muriel, thank you! I'm not feeling very nimble these days, so I think this way a good way for me to get some of the cobwebs out of my head.

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  8. What a way to start the day!!! Thanks, ladies!

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    1. So glad you enjoyed it, Melanie! We were hoping to generate some smiles this morning.

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  9. What a way to start the day!!! Thanks, ladies!

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  10. Thanks for starting my day off with a laugh this morning. I'm eagerly awaiting those books!

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    1. You're welcome, TL!! We'll get you advanced copies(;

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  11. I was cracking up reading these ladies. If you can come up with these funnies I'm sure you'll find plot ideas to pitch. After 3 deaths in the family (lost the third on Monday) within a few weeks time, and a dodgy ankle, I needed this laugh. Thanks, all the best and I hope those creative juices keep flowing.

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    1. Oh, Laurie, I am so glad we made you laugh. Sometimes life just throws you one punch after another, doesn't it? So sorry for what you've been through. When I have rough patches like this I try to repeat over and over: This, too, shall pass.

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  12. OMG, I'm dying!!! *tears of laughter* You guys are awesome. That is all. :)))

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  13. I actually liked the diamond one. :-) You two are so funny and great anytime I read your post!

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    1. Thank you! And I agree, Patricia! I think Amy could actually run with that one. Maybe Tito is just doing his brother/friend/nephew a favor by working at the car wash? And he's really a dealer in precious gems or something...?

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    2. LOL! Ok, I think having her get with Tito is impossible, but I do think you could make something out of her job and the lost diamond and that "most-eligible" bachelor ...

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  14. So funny. I can't believe you created an image with a formally dressed couple on the porch of a burning outhouse.

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    1. Thanks so much, Beth! I had a lot of fun creating that cover. And I will admit that I probably spent a little too much time on it. But hey, we all need an outlet now and then, right?

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  15. Very funny, ladies. Thanks for starting my day with a good laugh. Good luck with your "real" proposals.

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    1. Thanks, Linda! And you're very welcome. Hoping these will generate some actual ideas.

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  16. These are too funny! I once heard a famous writer say that you have to write down a lot of really bad ideas before you write anything good. You two are off to a great start! Best of luck.

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    1. I really do believe that to be true! Sometimes you have to get out the bad to get to the good.

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  17. LOL! Some pretty good covers there. But guys, lay off the red Mustang, which the heroine in my WIP drives! 😉 ( not a bad idea, I hope) And about the feet? Ewwww. This post is too funny. Good luck with the always dreaded but good proposals.

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    1. LOL - no offense to red Mustangs. They're great! And it really was the only cool car I could think of when I looked at the picture I found. And I hate feet, btw. I could never ever ever ever write that story!!

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  18. Hilarious! There's no other word for it!

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