The Ex-Factor: Ten Steps to Rekindling the Flame by Karen Rock


You’ve survived a bad break-up. Barely. And even though you’ve rented every Sandra Bullock and Meg Ryan movie you can find, hidden all of your old photos and Valentine’s cards, thrown away his favorite snacks and washed your hands of him… washed him right out of your hair… his memory still lingers. Or maybe it’s his t-shirt in your laundry basket- the one you can’t bring yourself to wash. Either way, you’re wondering if you’ve both made a mistake and you want another shot. You want a do-over and here’s how.
 

1.     Accept. There’s a reason why you are not together now. Emphasis on the NOW. LATER is still up for grabs! Accepting the reality of the situation doesn’t mean you’ve shut him out of your life. If anything, it shows that you accept the need for the change, showing a level of maturity that will be respected and appreciated. Showing yourself in a positive, strong light will help you reach your end goal: Happily-ever-after.

2.    Wait. I know. I know. That’s not what you want to hear. But it’s tough love time. Time heals and you both need a chance to get over the hurt. Calling too soon and begging for another chance will only chase your ex further away. You both need time to gain perspective. To understand what went wrong. Informing yourself of what worked and didn’t work will keep you from making the same mistakes and help make a second chance at love permanent. And- don’t forget- absence makes the heart grow fonder.

3.    Silence. Seriously. Recently I saw a fictional App created by a character on HBO’s Girls. It’s called FORBID and it’s genius. The App forbids you from calling an ex’s number unless you pay ten dollars. I LOVE that idea and I hope an entrepreneur actually invents it. Breaking up is hard enough. Not calling or texting… even harder. No matter how many times you hang up, he will know it’s you. And what are you calling to say? You need him, miss him, want him back… ? You need to look strong, not needy. Mature, not rash. Most of all, you need to behave that way for your own sake. The opinion of you that matters the most, is yours.

4.    Be the One He Loved This time around, there is no question mark. You know you have what it takes for him to fall in love with you. You just need to remind him of that. Think about how you have changed and what might have caused the change. Work on coming back to the person he or she fell for. Once you are that person again, you’ll be irresistible… you were the first time!   

5.    Plan Now that you’ve done the leg work, it’s time to strategize. Where can you meet in a casual, no-pressure way? Is there a coffee shop he frequents, a park he jogs in… you know your ex better than most, so use that knowledge and make yourself visible. It will remind him of what he’s missing. And don’t forget to look stunning!

6.    Prepare Know what you will say when you first talk. These first few words are critical- no pressure J But seriously, steer clear of topics that are bound to stir up past arguments. Instead, focus on the kinds of conversations and topics you used to enjoy. Remind him of that, and he’ll want to keep talking. Lines of communication… restored!

7.    Take Action Now that things are on a friendly level, suggest a casual, no-strings attached, get-together… emphasis on the fun. After weeks or months of feeling low, isn’t it time you laughed and had a good time? Enjoy being together and try not to think about a commitment, the future, or what it means.

8.    Reach Out Send him an occasional, light-hearted email. It will keep you in his mind and establish a connection again in a non-threatening way. Best of all, it will increase the chances that your ex will start reaching out to you in return.

9.    Listen As you begin to spend more time together, invite your ex to talk about how his feelings and why the break-up occurred. Instead of being defensive, learn from what says. You can either win this person back in your life, or win an argument by disagreeing with everything. My vote’s on winning back your partner since an argument won’t give you a back rub.

10. Next Level You’re already good at being a couple. What you weren’t so great at was being apart. Remind him of that by getting romantic again. If he’s receptive, then all systems go.  Some great advice from my friend, Zee Monodee, is to, on the flip side, treat the situation like it’s a “new” romance with a stranger. “That person,” she advised, “is no longer the one you remember knowing.” It’s a great way to begin anew.
 
I would love to hear your stories and thoughts about the dos and don’ts of rekindling an old flame. Please post your comments below and enter to win a copy of New York Times bestselling author, and fellow Harlequin Heartwarming author, Roz Denny Fox’s amazing romance, THE BOSS NEXT DOOR, friendship bracelets, and an autographed bookmark of my upcoming Young Adult romance, CAMP BOYFRIEND, 7/2/13. On the back of the bookmark is a scan mark to download a free eBook of the prequel to the series, CAMP KISS.


 
To learn more about me, and my upcoming Harlequin Heartwarming, WISH ME TOMORROW, and Young Adult novels, please visit www.karenrock.com. I will post the prize winner on my author facebook page www.facebook.com/JKRockwriters tomorrow. Thanks so much J
 
 

Comments

  1. Nice advise thank you Karen! I will keep these little advice clips for future reference if needed. But yes I have certainly learned something. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. Hello, I am Diaz Juan Antonio After being in relationship with Natasha for
      years, She broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring her back
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      Natasha back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no
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  2. Thanks, Desere! I'm so glad you found them helpful :) I appreciate your comments.

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  3. Nice advise! I have been with my Husband 27 years now, I try to keep the sparks flaring and the fire burning hi hi with the help of scenarios. I still learn every day!

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    1. Thanks, Nicole :) I wrote from personal experience and it definitely helped me - congratulations on your 27 year marriage! You two are doing lots right! Thanks so much for posting.

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    2. i want to share my wonderful testimony on how i got back the love of my life.he left me to another woman for no reason and i try to make things work for both of us,yet things where getting worse. I was almost losing hope in life when my lover of 4 years ended our relationship without any reason and I went for help in the internet and all I met was fake spell casters and scams and I consulted an old friend of mine and explain my situation to her and she said she was in same situation 2weeks back but a wonderful man who was sent to help people helped him out of the problem and I thought it was all a joke and I ask her if it was real and she said if it wasn’t real so how did her lover come back to her, then I decided to give Dr voodoo a try because I had nothing to loose in trying i met a testimony again share by Marina from Iceland on the internet talking about a powerful spell caster who brought his ex lover back within 48 hours and to my greatest surprise he also did it for me just as he did to my friend and Marina and others people. and i have a lot of people complaining of fake spell caster but this one i met was a real spell caster and genuine and there is nothing like been with the man you love from heart am so happy my love is back to me with the help of Dr voodoo. His contact details voodoospelltemple66@gmail.com or Add him on whatsApp +2348140120719

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  4. The best advice is to wait and let things cool o ER. Move too fast and the past will repeat itself! Married four years and this all applies to us too!

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    1. I agree, Heather. Moving too fast without a cooling off period can jeopardize a second chance with the one you love. You're right that the past will only repeat itself. Thanks so much for that great insight :)

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  5. Great advice. I'm not married yet but we are getting married in August. We have been together for almost 9 yrs. We split up two years ago for about 3 months. Somehow, we found our way back to each other. It's a process, I know. We go to our weekly counseling sessions, talk a lot, and are always looking for ways to keep our passion alive.

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    1. Congratulations! You are the winner of the giveaway :) Please email me your address information at karenrock@live.com. Thanks!

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  6. What a beautiful story! Thank you so much for sharing it and giving so many hope :) It is important to find ways to keep the passion alive and how mature of you both to show your commitment to each other and your relationship by going to counseling! You two have such a wonderful life ahead and congratulations on your upcoming wedding in August! I want pics :)

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    1. I'll be sure to send you pictures! Thanks for this awesome giveaway!

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  7. Karen, Good information. I was married 51 years before I lost my dh to brain cancer. We had a rule that we never went to bed on an argument and it worked to keep us from staying angry over silly little things. I see more of my friends who work anger from a passive/aggressive mode and I think that really hurts a relationship.

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    1. Roz, those sound like 51 beautiful years that should never have been cut short. Your marriage is a model to us all and your advice is wonderful! That passive-aggressive way of dealing with issues is the cleaning equivalent of sweeping the dirt under the rug. You may not see it, but your home still isn't right. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for writing the wonderful book I'm giving away- THE BOSS NEXT DOOR :)

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    2. Just wanted to chime in that- for years- we had a magnet on our fridge that said "Don't go to bed mad... stay up and fight." And sometimes we do! But totally agree that it's good to communicate the little stuff along the way before it becomes BIG stuff.

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    3. I need that magnet! It's such a good reminder not to let grudges linger! Thanks for sharing that, Joanne :)

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  8. LOL, Okay, I confess, in my mind, I'm changing all the category heads for what to do if you had a big fight with your husband.
    Geesh. I've been married too long.

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  9. Lol- that's a really good idea, Pam! I think it could work in those cases too because after a big fight we do go through those stages to come back to love and forgiveness :) Thanks for that great insight!

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  10. Great advise, I'm looking forward to reading this.
    Penney

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    1. Thanks so much, Penney :) I appreciate you stopping by!

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  11. I can't tell you how many times I needed this advice over the years LOL.

    Funny story: my husband broke up with me about two weeks after we started dating. I told him "ok, we'll be friends". And I moved on. Two days later, he told me he didn't want to be friends because there was more between us. Three weeks after that, we were engaged and the rest is history :)

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    1. Syndi that is an amazing story and so romantic :) It goes to show that when it is right everything will fall into place! Thank you for sharing that inspiring love story with us. I appreciate you stopping by :)

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  12. Romancers be warned; if you get back together, you have to keep caution to what broke you up the first time. Try to stay positive, and hope it doesn't come up again. Can you ever forgive, if you can't forget? Will he and/or she hurt you again?

    When rekindling the flame, stay sharp, and avoid ambush.
    ♫ Love is a battlefield. ♪

    Wonderful blog, Mrs. Rock! :D
    -Cody

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    1. Thanks, Cody! I love your advice too :) And Love is a Battlefield is one of my favorite songs. You are so right- it's good to stay positve and realistic about managing expectations about what you can forgive and forget... we have to start that advice column we've been talking about...

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  13. Thankfully my husband and I have been happily married for 26 years. You have some really good advice here. My husband and I always talk things through to avoid negative feelings. We also eat lunch together a few times a week. It's our special time apart from the busy day and has kept us close all these years.

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    1. Lunch with your husband sounds so special and such a great way to keep that intimate connection going. Most of all, you've withstood the test of time and stayed together through a lot and I know that strong communication and love you share has so much to do with that :) Tara, you are amazing and I thank you so much for stopping by. <3

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  14. OMG, you even put my name in there! LOL! :) Thanks, honey.

    Hubby and I are going on 11 years of marriage. Lots of ups and downs, and times when we were both just about to throw in the towel. I thought he was too pig-headed; he thought I was too flippant and too much of a diva.
    Which was true... I mentioned the snippet you posted above because through my own relationship with my husband, I see how much we've both changed since we met. The woman I am today at 30 is no longer the girl he met when she was 18 - even I don't recognize myself when I think back, finding it hard to reconcile who I am now with who I was before.

    I think at some points in a relationship, or even after a breakup, you have to pause and think how you, and the other person too, has changed, and then adapt accordingly.

    People are dynamic beings, and even when you think you've become like an old pair of slippers, comfy and with no surprises, you'd be amazed at how much you can startle yourself with your unconscious capacity to change. :)

    XOXO

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    1. Zee you never cease to amaze me! I loved your advice so much and of course I needed to give credit where credit was due :) I agree that we do change so much and that can be a great thing for a couple :) thank you so much for commenting!

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    2. *grin* Well, glad if my ramblings make sense or even help. :) xoxo

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  15. Hi Karen!

    Love how your posts are like a dating advice column. Interesting and fun!

    xo
    Jen

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  16. Thanks so much, Jennifer :) I kind of think that way when I'm writing... what advice would I give my couple- like if they are friends and want to be more or if they were once a couple and want to find their way back to love... What I have them do in my books helps inform these columns. I appreciate your comment so much!

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  17. kbaby81 congratulations you are the winner of today's giveaway!! Please email me your address info at www.karenrock.com. Looking forward to hearing from you :)

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    1. Oops- I meant please email me at karenrock@live.com. Thanks so much!

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  18. Great Advice... My Grandma always told me when I got married, "Success to a Good Marriage is Never to go to bed with the last words being Angry ones between ya!"

    My hubby and I have lived together 5 years, in April 2013, we'll be Married 13 years for a total of 18 years TOGETHER and none of those 18 yrs. have we ever went to bed with anger in our hearts, (ya never know about those LAST words spoken)!!

    ~Becky☆.¸¸.•´¯`♥

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  20. Nice blog and absolutely outstanding. You can do something much better but i still say this perfect.Keep trying for the best.
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  32. To everyone out there who thinks love spells don't work, I’m here to tell you that Lord Zakuza love spell is the best and most powerful. I am a wealthy man who has lots of assets and possessions but I have difficulty with women. Whenever I try to settle down with any, we end up breaking up and I had no idea of why I was going through such an experience in my relationship. It was so worrying that I couldn’t be myself anymore and I started searching for help everywhere even at my place of work. I was going through my work activities online and I came across a testimony of a lady called ( Febe Anouk ) regarding how Lord Zakuza helped her to restore her relationship with his love spell, I had to give it a try because I needed my Ex lover back that I love so much. I visited Lord Zakuza website online and I told him everything I was going through. Lord Zakuza consoled me and promised to help me out with my situation by preparing a love spell for me. I followed the instructions given by him to me and within 48 hours, my Ex lover came looking for me and pleaded for forgiveness. Since I came in contact with Lord Zakuza, things have changed for good in my life and right now, I am married with two beautiful kids and my home is blessed. All thanks to Lord Zakuza I am forever thankful to you. Visit his website for any help via lordzakuzaspells.com or WhatsApp him on +1 740-573-9483. Try him and your life will be blessed.

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