I had no idea my ports were clogged. Really, there were no symptoms at all until everything went black. Allow me to explain.
Picture me, sitting meek and mild in my office chair, banging out the next heart wrenching work of fiction. Picture Adolph Finklestein (this might not be his real name) sitting in a dark basement in New Jersey, concocting a diabolical computer virus to send to my unsuspecting computer. (New Jersey might be arbitrary too, but I’ve been there. It would be a swell place for a cyber villain to hang out.)
So with the click of a key, Adolph whips me a computer virus that delivers hordes of persistent little Trojans that try to convince me my computer is under attack.
Your system is being scanned!
There’s a rogue program raping and pillaging your gigabites!
Danger, Will Robinson, danger!
Not to worry, dear readers. I am saavy. I have read about these evil attacks. I smell the ratty Finklestein and I most definitely click the “x” to decline Finklestein’s suggestion that I purchase his ferocious platoon of cyber soliders to protect my tender vitals. Clever, no? I can sit back in my chair uninfected by the nefarious virus propagator gnashing his teeth in his New Jersey basement.
Ha! Take that!
Here is where our story takes a turn to the tragic. Unfortunately, Finklestein being the diabolical hacker that he is, has created a program whereby clicking the “no thank you” x actually translates to “Absolutely! Mi computer is su computer.” Finklestein immediately commences the port clogging procedures.
Fast forward two hundred dollars and twenty four hours later. Professional computer helpers at Web Dispatch, all wearing white hats and a few, I believe, mounted on snowy horses, have restored order, unclogged my ports and weeded out Finkelstein’s devious buggers.
The ending of the story is mixed. Finklestein is vanquished, but only temporarily, I’m certain. He’s no doubt rolled up his flannel sleeves and set to work on the next round of attacks, leaving me to shake my head in wonder.
Why? Oh Finklestein. Why can’t you use your powers for good? With skills like that can’t you turn away from the dark side and work on something productive? Curing cancer? Fixing global warming? Inventing a biodegradable diaper?
Surely you can see some other way to impact the world, Mr. Finklestein?
Or perhaps your ports are clogged, too.
Have you ever experienced such villainy? Please tell me I'm not the only one!