|This is me 'watching' football.|
One of my special gifts in life is appearing as if I’m paying attention. Some of you may deduce that this means that I have a short attention span. Not the case--you see, I’m one of those ‘gifted’ people who is often contemplating some of life’s most perplexing questions while seemingly engaged in another task altogether. For example, like other good American couples, my husband and I are sometimes invited over by friends or family to watch sporting events like football or basketball games. I’m not really a fan of either, but I love spending time with these people. Plus, I am a huge fan of the snacks that always accompany these gatherings. So I snack and stare at the TV as if I am interested, when in fact I can sit through an entire game and not even know which teams are playing. Because my brain is busy pondering--and sometimes even solving--some of life’s most important and vexing issues, such as…
Waiting for dessert… Can someone please tell me what we are waiting for? For it to get better? Pretty sure it’s already good. And for you cruel “dessert delayers” who say things like, “Let’s wait a bit before we cut the pie,” or “I’m too full for dessert right now,” which in turn forces me to wait… I’m telling you now that I don’t want to wait. And just so you know--nutritionists agree that if you are going to eat dessert, it’s best not to wait because when you consume sugar directly after a meal it doesn’t spike your blood sugar as dangerously as it does on an empty stomach. See--it’s healthy to eat dessert right after the meal. Please--I beg of you--give me my dessert.
The Parking Lot Game… My sisters and I named this activity during the countless hours of our childhood we spent riding around in parking lots while our mom looked for a “closer spot.” Sorry, Mom (and all of you other primo-parking-space-seekers out there) but I could buy my groceries, load them into the car, get a pedicure, bowl two frames, and drive-through Starbucks by the time you find a suitable spot. I know it’s difficult but I think it’s important to ask the question--is it worth it to burn hours of your life and eighty dollars of gas to park twelve feet closer?
Books and movies that don’t end… I guess these are supposed to be ‘thought provoking’ and ‘profound’? Not for my peanut brain (and by ‘peanut’ I mean highly sophisticated.) I like things resolved, tied-up, satisfied. If I want to read a book or watch a movie where I have to guess the ending then I’ll just spend some time looking at my own life and guessing how it might end... I seek out books and movies because I want to escape my life for a little while. I’m sure there are people out there who want to be left guessing and that’s fine. All I’m asking for is a warning sticker on the front of these books for those of us who don’t want to guess. Something simple like--'Warning: This book doesn’t end and may leave you frustrated for days'--would do nicely. Is this too much to ask?
Ice cold butter… This one is super important and probably highly controversial, but I feel it’s important to tackle these hard questions, so here goes… Dear restaurant people, I love the soft fluffy buns you serve to tide me over until I get my meal, but why does the butter have to be as hard as a rock? Is there a way to spread this butter without mangling the bread? If so, please share. Instructions delivered along with the bread basket would be ideal. Thanks.
There, now aren’t you glad I don’t really watch those football games? How would I have time to tackle these tough questions if I became a genuine sports fan? I would love to hear about something that baffles you, too. In fact, please share…so I know I'm not the only one who is feeling weird and alone. (And by ‘weird and alone’ I mean brilliant and profound…)