Decisions...by LeAnne Bristow

I've never been one to make New Year resolutions. The few times I have, they haven't lasted very long and then I feel guilty because I couldn't do it. I've also never been one of those people who pick a word for the year. Mostly because I come up with a whole bunch of words and can't decide which word to go with. 

I have a hard time making decisions. Blame it on the fact that I'm a Libra and have to look at both sides of every situation multiple times before I do anything. Blame it on the face that I hate conflict and want to make everyone happy. I spend a lot of time justifying my inability to decide things. I even googled it and found a name for it to help myself feel better about it. Decidophobia.

(www.rrrather.com)

Sometimes my "disorder" is helpful. I'm really good at playing devil's advocate for other's who are trying to make a decision. My ability to see both sides of any situation helps make their decision more clear. But in my own life, it causes chaos most of the time. 

My critique partners will be the first ones to agree that my decision making ability (or lack thereof) affects my writing. I come up with ideas for a character and can't decide which one to go with. Should my hero by a firefighter? a policeman? a farmer? One decision can change the way the rest of the story plays out. I usually have so many rabbit trails that I end up with enough fodder for five books and never get the first one done. Which way should I go?

 

However, there is hope. Because on the flip side of my complete fear of making a decision, is a very thick streak of stubbornness. My husband would completely disagree about my inability to make decisions because he knows from experience that once I have finally made a decision, NOTHING gets in my way or changes my mind. (This is also a problem, but more on that at another time.) I just need a LOT of help getting to that point.

So I have DECIDED that 2018 will be my year for decisions. For the past decade, I've toyed with the idea of being a writer. But I've let my inability to make tough decision get in the way of allowing me to truly pursue my dreams. 

The first thing on my list of hard decisions to make is I had to had to decide what I really wanted to do. Where was my true passion? Where do I see myself in five years? Two years ago, I emailed my friend Tina to tell her the news that I had gotten "the call." Harlequin Heartwarming wanted to buy my book. I was beyond thrilled. The first thing she said to me was: That's great. But now you have some decisions to make. You teach school full time. You run a gymnastics business after school. You are running a contest for your writing chapter. And you babysit all weekend for your granddaughter. You're a real writer now, with REAL deadlines and real responsibilities. Something has to go. 

Although I completely agreed with her, I couldn't let everything go. The contest only lasted a few months, so I did make the decision not to do it again the following year. I was pretty proud of myself for that. But my school NEEDED me. The dozens of little girls who came to my gym every day NEEDED me. There's nothing else in our little town for them to do. My daughter NEEDED me to babysit. My list of reasons to continue juggling all my responsibilities was endless. I did it once. I sold a book. I can be superwoman and do everything, right?

WRONG. When you stretch yourself too thin, there's not enough of you to go around and everything falls apart. There are some things that I can't quit, obviously. Teaching school is not something I can give up. Family is my number one priority, so giving up weekends with my granddaughter was not something I was willing to give up, either. However, I do ask my daughter to find an alternative babysitter so I can attend writing chapter meetings or have a deadline that I need to finish. 

The lease on the building I use for my gymnastics business is up at the end of March. When my landlord changed the terms of the lease I had a decision to make. I could no longer lease the small portion of the building. Instead, he was offering only the larger section of the building (at a much higher rate). Right now my business is better than it's been in months. I could expand and really watch the program I built grow or I needed to move to a new building. But that would take a lot more of my time and a lot more of my energy. 

So the first hard decision I've made in 2018 is to close my business. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that my heart is broken a little. I love my girls. I love seeing girls, that couldn't do a cartwheel when they came to me, doing back flips all over the place. I love hearing their stories every week and watching them practice until they accomplish a skill. But I've instilled a love of tumbling in these girls and I know that someone will step up to continue what I've started. It's time for me to let it go.

What about you? Is there something you need to let go in 2018? Tell me about a time when you've had a tough decision to make?