Things that are hard... by Liz Flaherty & Helen DePrima

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” - A. A. Milne in Winnie the Pooh

by Helen DePrima

Goodbyes come in many forms – leaving your childhood home to start life as an adult, waving with a bright smile as a military spouse deploys into danger, seeing your firstborn off for his first day of school, holding a beloved parent’s hand as breathing slows and starts and slows and finally ceases altogether.

I never fully appreciated my Aunt Willa’s selflessness when I left Kentucky for college in Colorado until my husband and I started for home after dropping our daughter off for her freshman year at UGA. Like me, she never looked over her shoulder at the life she was leaving behind. As it should be.

The most poignant farewell I’ve experienced wasn’t mine but rather my cousins’. After weighing all options, I decided to fly Aunt Willa from Kentucky to live with me in New Hampshire when she could no longer care for herself. Although she never had children of her own, she was the oracle, the keeper of the flame, the guardian of the family shrine. My cousins would have done anything for her, but fiercely independent, she asked for nothing and accepted very little help. On the morning the ambulance arrived to take her to the airport, my cousins came to tell her goodbye and left in tears, knowing they would likely never see her again. Twenty-six years later, we still share memories of her cleverness and kindness and wacky sense of humor. I’m not sure about life after death but leaving behind that much love is a form of immortality – I would settle for a legacy half as fine as hers.

 


by Liz Flaherty

Now that I'm here and writing, I'm wondering what made us decide to address the subject of goodbyes. Even when we think we're ready to say it, it's hard, and when we're not ready (which is most of the time), it's incredibly hard.

I remember when the boyfriend who would become my husband left for Vietnam, when the kids left for college for the first time. I remember the sad-but-expected losses of our parents, the wrenching goodbyes when siblings died. Sometimes friendships end without resolution, which stays with you...well, I'll let you know if it ever goes away.

There are other farewells in life, too. Job changes, graduations, retirement. For writers, sometimes it's a change in publishers, in writers' groups, in genres. We are pretty good, we writers, at looking at the bright side. We make ends into beginnings, stand-alones into series, and one-star reviews into laughter over coffee. 

Part of my reason for thinking about goodbyes is that another part of being a writer is getting used to having your work rejected. Ahem. Good luck with that. It's painful. It's hard. It's heartrending to the point of put-your-head-under-the-covers-and-mope. It makes you think of giving up the whole publishing gig. Just saying Goodbye to it and using the computer for Solitaire and to collect dust. What is the point if everybody hates your work? (Yes, I know how this sounds--I'm telling you how it feels.)

So that's what I've done over the past several days after one of the more discouraging rejections of my career. And now I'm saying goodbye. No, not to writing or trying, but to the very idea of giving up, to moping (mostly). Just as with my brothers, parents, and parents-in-law, with friends I've lost, I'm going to hold close those memories Helen mentioned and just maybe make some new ones. As hard as goodbyes are, Pooh is right--we're so lucky to have things that make them hard. 

What would you think of a quilt shop series for Heartwarming? Asking for a friend... 

Comments

  1. Helen and Liz, I don't like goodbyes...they're hard even when the one you're saying goodbye to is going on to something grand! And when they're not, it's even worse. And while memories are good, they just aren't the same as holding them tight. :-)

    Liz, I would love a quilt shop series!

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    1. Thank you, Pat! I don't like them, either, but in true Pollyanna fashion, I've got to find the gladness there.

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    2. You're right, Pat -- memories aren't as good as the warm hug or working the daily crossword puzzle together over breakfast on my visits down home. My aunt called the exercise her morning cognitive test.

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  2. Goodbyes are always hard for me, even the normal everyday variety because I'm a worrier. But I love the messages here in your posts, Liz and Helen. Plus some goodbyes aren't irrevocable, especially those related to writing and publishing. I've had two long dry spells in my small 'career'. A quilt series sounds lovely....think of the stories behind all those patterns! Stay well ladies. :)

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    1. Eric Bogle's song Leaving Nancy describes saying farewell to his mother at the train station when he emigrates from Scotland to Australia -- exquisite details that capture the essence of goodbye.

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    2. I had to look that up, Helen. What beautiful words. Thanks, Janice. I need to conquer the fear of those "dry spells."

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    3. He's written many beautiful songs, a real poet.

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  3. Goodbyes are hard. I tend to translate them in my mind to "until we meet again," even if I'm not sure that will ever happen. And as for a quilting series, I would love it, despite my latent guilt over a half-finished tumbling block baby quilt originally intended for my now ten-year-old great nephew. Best of luck.

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    1. Thanks, Beth. I have plenty of that kind of guilt lying around here, too!

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  4. This one of the loveliest posts ever. And I have to admit, my heart breaks just thinking that I'd have to "do" one more goodbye in my life---it's almost too much. Since March, I've lost 10 family and friends, none to Covid. I had a friend who said to me just last month, that "with every death and goodbye we endure, death is like a cruel jester that rears its head and reminds us of every death we've endured." I like that you are saying "goodbye" to the dark side of writing and kicking the rejection demon in the butt, Liz. As Churchill said, "Never, Never, Never quit." I have that in a bronze bookmark given to me by my husband. And I do truly believe in life after death, and believe me, our loved ones on the Other Side, they don't quit loving and guiding us. So, we shouldn't quit doing what we were sent here to earth to do. Write. Create. Then create some more.

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    1. Right. Thanks, Catherine. It does sometimes feel as if one more is just going to be too much to bear, doesn't it?

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    2. What a dreadful cluster of losses you've had, Catherine! Do you find yourself "writing" our your pain or creating an alternate ending? Writers are such shameless scavengers; maybe your sorrows will find resolution in future stories.

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  5. Good-byes are so very difficult, yes. You've both summed it up beautifully. And fyi, Liz, I think a quilt shop series sounds amazing!!

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  6. What a lovely, poignant post, ladies! A flood of memories hit me with these words. Remembering now the day we left our older son at college--then because we couldn't just drive home and leave him, hubby and I went to the Boston art museum and just stared, tears in our eyes, at the paintings on the walls. And, in permanent goodbyes, the times when I met each of my parents' eyes for the last time, each of us knowing what the moment meant. Liz, I'm so glad you're turning your back on that feeling of rejection. I've had two six-years long "gaps" in my writing career and you will survive. I'm rooting for you to find the exactly right home for your quilt series. It sounds amazing. You're such a good writer!

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    1. Thank you so much, Leigh. I remember when we took our son to the airport for him to fly to England to study for a year. We got lost twice going home from the airport because we couldn't concentrate, yet we were sending our baby 10,000 miles away!

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  7. This post was very hopeful to me as an always rejected, not yet published author. You fired new hope in me. Thank you!!!!!!!!! I think a quilt shop series would be lovely and uplifting!

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    1. Thank you so much. Good luck to you and thank you for your support!

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    2. Keep at it! You know what they call a writer who won't give up? Published.

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  8. I’m still trying to move on from saying goodbye to my nineteen year old cat that died last November. I hate saying goodbye. It’s painful, especially when you’re a super emotional person. But it’s true. At least we’ve had the privilege of enjoying what’s so hard to say goodbye to.

    I think a quilt shop series sounds great!! Really, anything associated with sewing in general would interest me. ( :

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    1. What a wonderful long life you gave your little friend! Saying goodbye to pets is the price we pay for loving something with a lifespan so much shorter than our own.

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    2. My sympathies on losing your cat, Laurie. Our senior cat is 16, and I worry about him on a daily basis. As painful as being emotional can be, the gifts that come from it are huge, too.

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  9. Lovely posts--I think saying goodbye can be so very hard. I've almost always been the one to move away and come back for visits, but every now and then I'm left behind. That's how it feels, anyway. Two of my closest friends left permanently, and saying goodbye was so painful. You both expressed this sense well. And yes, a quilt shop series excellent!

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    1. It does feel that way, as if we're left behind. I remember saying at my brother's funeral that when he left home to marry, I was happy that he was getting married but mad because he was leaving me. And now I was mad again because he was leaving me again. We laughed about it then, but I'm still missing him.

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  10. A quilt shop in a locale which attracts many visitors to spice up the plots. Maybe the Smokies, a beautiful setting. I can envision all kinds of possibilities!

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  11. Goodbyes are hard for me, too. As the youngest of a large family spread out over twenty-one years, it seems as if my childhood was one goodbye after another to aunts, uncles, grand-parents, and other loved ones. I often remember long ago family gatherings and think what an amazing gift it was to have so many wonderful people in my life.

    I have several ideas that deal with quilts. I used to teach a university course on American Patchwork and Quilting, and have quilts that were made by my mother, grandmother and great-grandmothers, so it's dear to my heart. There's a huge fascination with this art form.

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    1. Oh, thank you for stopping by. I'm sorry I didn't catch this before! I've thought of taking a course just to KNOW more about quilt history, although my retention is pretty much a joke. :-)

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